Time Traveling: A Quick reference guide

Cosmos Magazine – Cosmos Magazine gives us this rather funny and interesting guide what to do or not to do when you’re trying to travel through time 🙂 .

If this sounds familiar, then you’ve come to the right place. We understand. After all, we here at Good Times, Inc., have been in the time travel business for, well, a very long time. We have more portals than anyone in business today. Trained staff members at our many branches up and down the time stream are always ready and eager to provide expert, caring customer support.

In fact, customer service is what we’re all about. That’s why this simple guide is available to you free of charge at every Starbucks location throughout the known universe. Don’t forget to tear off the coupon on the back page and trade it in for your free glass of water, a $247.00 value.

The following brief guide will help make your time-hopping experience a positive one.

A. Wear Appropriate Clothing. Rules of common sense apply here. Dressing like a witch is not the correct fashion statement to make if you plan to visit 19th century Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween. That red blazer you’ve always loved is not the garment of choice to wear to the American revolutionary battle of Bunker Hill. Do not sport a thong in a Turkish bath. Always dress to match the era to which you are time hopping. Remove designer labels when visiting Vikings, who consider them show-offy.

B. Bring a Light Snack. You never know what the dining arrangements might be in a given era, or whether you can even get a reservation without calling ahead. For example, trendy Sumerian bistros often have long waiting lists. Thus, we always recommend bringing a nice snack to munch on while watching, say, Attila’s hordes sack Rome. Sandwiches, Snickers bars and carbonated drinks are available for sale at the kiosk down the hall.

C. Avoid Paradoxes. Of course, one of the biggest fears of the average time traveler is running into a younger self and being hit up for a loan. It’s bad enough to discover that you weren’t nearly as witty, sophisticated, or popular as you later came to believe. Throw in that request for cash and the moment really turns sour. Also, who knew that you were once such an arrogant little twit? The best way to avoid such incidents is to visit only places and times where you couldn’t possibly have been at that annoying age. Then again, the more trips in time that you take, the more likely you are to run into yourself. Always take advantage of such occasions to recommend a diet, or losing that bad rug. Let’s face it; a little timely self-improvement never hurt anyone.

D. Never Piss Off a Velociraptor. This may sound like an obvious suggestion. However, the truth is that you never really know what might upset the average Velociraptor. They’re quite finicky, and sometimes even expressing a politically incorrect point of view can set one off. Another common source of Velociraptor discontent is a refusal to cooperate when being eaten alive. They find such behavior unreasonable. Finally, the average Velociraptor is sensitive about extinction, so never use the term during social occasions.

E. Do Not Alter the Time Stream. Our many years in the business have taught us that major changes in history will not adversely affect downstream events. The time stream simply adjusts, often by changing the daytime television schedule on all major networks. The only change that we consider critical here at Good Times, Inc. is erasing our company from history. We know how dangerous such erasure can be, since we’ve done it to many of our competitors. Any attempt at removing Good Times, Inc. from history will result in serious legal action against your surviving family members.

We hope this guide has been useful. If you do make it back alive, please drop us a line and tell us how your time-hopping adventure went. We’re here for you, both yesterday and today. Because at Good Times, Inc., every time is the right time.


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